Mixed Up Christian's Anyone?

So, how does a man, or a woman, go from being “Joe Confident” Christian, or, “Jane Confident”, “Christian”? Or how did I get from an “I've Got this all down, Lord”, “Christian” to a “I am not sure of much of anything, except my salvation anymore”, Christian. And then, through it all, simply wondering if I would make it, at all, and if I did make it through, “Where was God in all of this senselessness?” So I found myself asking God constantly, “In all of this senselessness, how can Romans 8:28 possibly be true?”
But, to “set the table” for how I went from an “I've got the tail by the world”, confident Christian, to a “something has me by the tail, and I wish it would let it go” Christian, let me say that I have learned a lot about Faith and forgiveness through it all. Yet it is hard for me to always practice what I learned.
But let me share with you some “nuggets”, about faith that I became aware of, in a very real way. Yes, I am sure most of you know these things, and I had probably heard most of these in some form or another along the way. But these concepts became much more real to me, instead of being just head knowledge, through my ordeal .
1. Faith is not always being on top of the world, or feeling like you are on top of the world..

- - Faith is what you do when the weight of the world feels like it is on top of you.

2. Faith is not always getting everything you want, every time you pray.

- - Faith is how you react when you seem not to be getting anything you want, when you pray.

3. Faith is not always miraculously being healed from every physical affliction.

- - Faith is trusting God, even when healing does not seem to be in His plans.
4. Faith is not always being vindicated, by God or man, when falsehoods are spread about you.
- - Faith is staying silent, and still loving your detractor's, while simply hoping the truth may eventually come out.
5. Faith is not having every broken relationship restored.
- - Faith is forgiving others who may have hurt you and looking to God to heal your broken heart.
6. Faith is not always knowing God's will for your life, all of the time.
- - Faith is asking for God's wisdom and guidance, then doing the best we can, in any given situation.
And this last one, is the hardest one for me!
7. Faith is not always having an answer for that unthinkable tragedy we may encounter in life.
- - Faith is trusting God, anyway even though we haven't a clue of the “why”,or the “why's” of it all.
And for me, that one is the hardest part of accepting the worst trial of my life. Us men generally like to think we “know stuff”, and that we can “fix” just about anything. And I probably have a double dose of those two traits. :)
So the hardest thing for me was and still is, that I may never know the “Why's”, while we I am a mortal, here on this earth.
And maybe we won't even care to know the “why's” about some tragedy in our lives we wonder about now, when we do get to heaven. But I remember as a youngster how I used to chafe at Dad's patent answer of , “Because I told you so”, when I would ask him why I had to something he had just told me to do.
So when we ask God “Why?”, and get no answer, or it comes back pretty much as, “Just because”, then, that, I think, is one of the greatest tests of our faith.

(pt 2)  “My Path to Success”
So as I said before, I won't go into a a lot of details about how I got to the point, of which I am about to share. But I do need to set the table a bit. I had worked my way into a position of ministry, as the Music and college minister of the church my family and I attended. And folks, that was no small task! I believe the Lord helped me, and put me into that position, because on my own, with no college degree, I don't think it would ever have happened.
But, this was my dream! I had been in various ministries for many years, actually for most of my adult life, since I was 17 years old. And through the years our family continued in ministry, working together with troubled young people and with wayward children, most of who who had no homes to speak of. But we had taken a furlough, of sorts from that ministry, feeling that our three sons were getting to the ages where they needed the undivided attention of us, their parents for awhile.
So, from about 1982, to 1992, I worked a regular, secular job. We joined a local church and set out to raise or three sons. And that is a story in it's self, learning the hard way that regardless of my experience or my abilities, no one really wanted to hire 35 year old man with no college degree, except for very low paying jobs.
So our family struggled along financially for those first few in between years. Then on top of that throw in us losing everything we had to a trailer fire, late in the first year out of the ministry, and times indeed got pretty tough.
But then, over the years, as we attended our church, they saw we had a heart for ministry, and that I knew music well enough to lead a choir, and that I could also skillfully lead the congregational music. It seemed I always wound up leading the music at some time or another, in every church we attended. And so it happened again at this church.. But this time, the opportunity to actually make a living at something that I loved doing came up, and for me, it was like a dream come true!
Again I cannot go into much detail here, for the sake of time and space. But, in the meantime, I had landed a nice well paying job, working with people, and with great hours. So when I was offered the Music and College ministry position there, it was not a very easy choice to make. But we prayed about it, and it seemed to be the Lords will, and the right thing to do, so I took the position.

(pt 3) “Suddenly Stepping Off of a Cliff” - Maybe being thrown off a cliff would be a better title for this chapter. Nonetheless, for several years I lived my dream, as a full time music minister in our beloved church! Until one afternoon, in February of 1997, while I was laying in a hospital bed, in Austin Texas, being afflicted by something in my digestive tract that the doctors could not really figure out, I was abruptly informed by my then wife, that she was going to be leaving me, soon. I cannot say that I was completely unaware that she had been unhappy in her situation for awhile. But, I was of the opinion that since we were both mature, dedicated Christians, she also having grown up in the ministry, we would pray together, and talk it out, and eventually we would work through it all. And soon, everything be back, like it was supposed to, and all would be well. I had been praying to that end for quite sometime, when this shocking news hit me..
So even though I was aware of some problems in our marriage, because a few weeks previous to that occasion, she had informed me of that fact herself. Yet I was still taken totally by surprise, when the formal announcement came.
As far as my illness went, I believe it was Satanic attack on me. I believe the Devil had a three prong plan in this vicious attack. One prong of his pitchfork attack was to was to destroy my home. Another prong was to destroy my testimony. And the third prong of his plan was to discourage me to the point that I would ultimately give up, and thus to, destroy me altogether.

But folks, I was like a babe in the woods at the time! I had no idea of the depths of the spiritual warfare that was soon to follow. Nor had I an inkling of the treachery and betrayal I would soon become witness to, and a victim, and the target of. But worst of all might have been the soon to be revealed shallowness of many “Christian” people who called themselves our friends, and who claimed to love our family.
But I would soon learn about many of these things, and in the most difficult of ways.

(pt 4) “Branded!” - So, to take up where we last left off, after my wife informed me in no uncertain terms, that she was leaving, After the big announcement, I lay in that hospital bed praying, throughout all of that following night. But I found no peace through my prayers, and for good reason.
To cut to the point though, and to eliminate a lot of time here, the end result was, that in one day, mostly culminating two weeks later, I essentially, went from a man who thought he had a wonderful wife and a wonderful family, a dream job, a good testimony, and with an esteemed position and standing in our church, ton almost almost overnight completely losing all of those things.
As my home, my dignity and ministry was stripped from me, I felt like the soldier character Chuck Connors once played in that old TV show, “Branded”, when they called him up by drum rolls, to stand before his entire regiment. Then they yanked his hat off of his head and threw it to the ground. Next, they tore his rank stripe's from off of his shoulders, and threw them onto the ground. Then, they plucked the brass buttons off of his uniform dress jacket. Then the commander guy took his sword, and broke it over his knee, and threw the useless handle of it out of the gate's of the fort. Then they marched the disgraced solder out of the stockade, to follow his broken sword. Then as he passed through the gates, they slammed the gates shut, and barred them behind him. And this was done in front of all of his friends and his piers.
And, I must say, I think the analogy is a fair one. No one stood before me to do these things to me. But after a spiritual sense, and in a practical and a figurative fashion, this is the kind of shame and the sort of humiliation, and demotion I went through. Soon I sensed and actually witnessed many of my friends avoiding me. There was no formal help from the church where we had been on staff. I soon felt like a pariah and a leper of sorts. And this all was very difficult for me to comprehend and to deal with. The pain of losing my home was bad enough. But this feeling of guilt, isolation and rejection, added greatly my pain. One of the sad parts about these situations, is, many people who have no clue what is really going on, start “choosing up sides”, based purely on gossip and hearsay.
And since I was completely caught off guard, and the seeds of gossip had already been planted by my wife, to many people, to get them “in her corner” and to justify her actions, I looked really bad in the eyes of our church and in the estimation of many of our friends, and even in the eyes of my three sons.
And folks, there is simply no way to defend yourself in the midst these kinds of situations. I would compare it to trying to work on the driver pistons of a runaway steam train locomotive, while it is at full throttle, and running downhill. Because all you are going to do in trying to verbally defend yourself at that point so, is to get yourself hurt or killed.
So, I soon stopped trying to defend myself. But the agony of staying silent in the face of the many falsehoods and the treacherous gossip was excruciating!
And while I am on this subject, let me dispel a popular myth here. Most people assume that if there is conflict in a marriage, and especially it leads to a divorce, people are prone to believe that there must be a equal guilt on the behalf of both parties. And from hence arises the grossly erroneous, but very popular old saying of, “It takes two to Tango!” (Usually spoken with raised eyebrows.)
But folks, I am here to telly you, that while it indeed does “Take two to Tango”, “It only takes one to “Un-tango”! In other words, if one person wants to bet out of a marriage, or if one person wants to end a marriage or destroy a relationship, the other person in the marriage or in the relationship is totally powerless to stop their spouse from doing so.
And, make no mistake, I was not perfect or faultless. No one is. But I wasn't the one pushing the buttons and pulling the levers. In fact, I was doing everything in my power to stop that runaway train! But as it turned out, I had no power at all, because there was not going to be any counseling, nor talking it out, nor any “cooling off period”. There was no turning back - period. But I had no part or say whatsoever in that matter. I was as powerless as an ant, standing on the railway siding, waving my puny ant arms and screaming at the top of my tiny ant voice for that runaway train to “STOP!!!”
Saying I felt futile and totally powerlessness, would be an big understatement here. And when it is your home, and your testimony, and reputation, and your ministry, and your dreams and your livelihood you are helplessly watching screaming down those tracks, towards that washed out bridge, and towards sure and total destruction, trust me when I say, being powerlessness to in any way to influence or slow down that unfolding situation of ruin, destruction, and shame, was a sickening feeling and a sad feeling indeed.

(Pt 5) "Facing the Devil's Shotgun” - The big disadvantage of suffering a calamity like divorce, while being in the ministry, is, that generally you lose your ministry position. Or as the British often say “I lost my situation”. To go back to a movie analogy, if you have ever seen the John Wayne movie “Big Jake”, both “Jacob McCandles” or Big Jake (John Wayne) and the Villain John Fain (Richard Boone) have this exchange, at the point of a gun. Boone;s character does it to Big Jake first. And then our hero, Big Jake turns the tables on Fain, and he turns the same words back onto the villain.
Watch the video.
And this is often the way of it in church ministry staff positions. You lose your home, through divorce, and .your ministry is going to die. “Your fault, her fault, nobody's fault, it doesn't matter. Your ministry is going to die.” And for me, that was a very bitter pill to swallow. A truck driver, or a store manger, or a postal worker, or an automobile mechanic, or a UPS guy, or an insurance salesman, or a person in almost any other line of work, or occupation, is not normally expected to resign their job, over a divorce, or if they are having family problems, as long as they are still competent in showing up every day, and doing their job.
But such is not the case in ministry. In the ministry, usually, as the family goes, so goes the minister's job. I cannot say this is altogether a bad thing,. Because for instance, had I been doing something evil, like stepping out on my wife, or abusing her, or something else of like nature to bring this on myself, there would be no question that I would have needed to resign. But such was not the case, at all.
To repeat, again, I will not go into the gritty details of it all. But I was fixin' to learn how Christians sometimes “shoot their wounded”. I was about to get a small taste of how Jesus must have felt, when all but two of his disciples fled from Him, in the Garden of Gethsemane, and then denied knowing who he was. And while I will not presume to go so far as to compare my disaster, or my cataclysmic losses to those of Job, I will say, I visited the book of Job. And he indeed became my friend and my companion, trough it all.
And I will say right up front too, that I did not take it all so well as Job did.

(pt 6) "Hangin' out With Job" - So, only two short weeks after that fateful day, I was out of the hospital, but still weak, and feeling bad. I was jobless, and without anything but an empty, cold, dark house to go home to. I had no future to speak of, to look forward to. So, sort of like Job of old, I went “from hero to zero”, or from King to pauper, almost overnight.
But what was my response to my church situation to be then? The great temptation was to defend myself, and, in a church business meeting setting, publicly, “call out” some of the church leaders on their lack of a scriptural approach to the situation, and the of the lack of real or any formal support for me.
But that time, shortly after my resignation, after praying about it, and thinking about it, I came to the conclusion that this was all “much bigger than me”. And I knew that the well being of the church was far more important than my own personal problems. In other words, I felt the name of Christ, and of our church had already been hurt badly enough, by my bad situation, and by all of the gossip ans so forth. So I made up my mind not to do any more damage by trying to defend myself, or justify myself, or by attempting to publicly point out any of the flaws I thought I saw in the way it was being handled.
But over the years, I began to realize that it most likely, the Lord's hand was actually in our church not sitting us down together, and trying for counseling us, etc. I realize now in, hindsight, that it was most probably a great mercy for me to be able to just move on, even though I did not really move on for a long time thereafter. But had the church attempted the usual efforts to reconcile us, I have no doubt that nothing good would have come of it, I figure there would just have been a bunch of finger pointing, and more false accusations directed toward me, followed by excuses concerning why to not try to save our marriage. And the turmoil would likely have only increased the pain and hurt feelings of all of the parties concerned.
I love analogies! So I figure sitting down and mutually trying to smoke a peace pipe that was filled with poison, would only have had a negative outcome on both warring factions. So, looking back on that very toxic situation, I am so glad that we skipped that part! :)
And after I had time to get further away from all of the “noise”, which took at least 5 years, I was able to see and understand that this non action on behalf of our church was indeed most likely Romans 8:28 at work. But at the time, I certainly did not see it that way! Ha! Ha!
But let me interject here what I think is an important part, even though it is somewhat out of order. Because I don't want anyone to think I still harbor any negative or bad feelings for my former church or for my former pastor. Because one of the great lessons I learned through this trial was about true forgiveness.
And while I am at it, let me also toss in a “nugget of wisdom” here. When conflicts come, in the middle of the fray, if we can bring ourselves to half keep our cool, and to act half Christian about things, there will probably be a lot less to forgive, on down the road, from both ends of the conflict.
And while I did do fairly well earlier on, in exercising some of that restraint, especially concerning my church, yet I did not do so well at all in those areas, relating to my then wife, which thing I will always regret.
But, as far as the church and my former Pastor goes, I spoke to him in later years about the situation, and I actually thanked him, explaining to him that at the time, I was quite angry at him and at the church. But that I felt like in the long haul it was all for the best, though I could not see that at the time. And our former pastor's reply was, that he totally understood my feelings. But even through all of it, even from the first “shot fired” my Pastor and I remained friends. But I must admit that there was some strain on our friendship in the earlier years.
And I did not really know it at the time, looking back on it, most of the people in our church were not aware of many of these things. So what gain, other than some self satisfaction, could blowing a loud whistle about it have done me? The answer is, in the long run, no doubt it would have only done a lot more harm and no good at all. And also, from seeing some past ugly similar situations in other churches I have attended, first hand, I knew my causing a stir about it, and speaking out about my grievances would have deeply hurt and divided our church.
And this I would not do for any reasons, personal or otherwise, because, again, I felt like the cause of Christ was much more import than my personal dilemma. So I kept my silence, and continued going to church there faithfully, for six more months. But, soon I would see the real need for moving on, for the good of both the church body, as well as for my own well being.

(pt 7) “New Adventures, and New Struggles” - I did finally leave my church. But the only reason I left when I did, was, that around 6 months after I had resigned, they announced one Sunday morning, that the following Sunday morning, a young man was coming in to lead the worship music, in order to candidate for the Music Ministry position. So at the point, I felt like my presence in the services would only be a distraction, and it wouldn't be good for me either.
Knowing how weak emotionally I was by that time, and knowing human nature, I figured if the guy was really good, I would feel bad about it. But if he was not so good, or if he was a washout, I would probably be tempted to gloat about it. And I also know how human nature is, in that many people would have probably been looking closely at me, to evaluate my reaction to my potential replacement. And I also feared that someone might even stop me after church to ask me what my opinion of the young man was. My family had enjoyed many happy times there, and I still had still friends there who had been supporting me with a lot of love, through it all. So, in order to avoid being a distraction to the church in any way, and to keep my emotions out of the mix, the following Sunday, with sadness in my heart, I left my church of many years and of mostly good times, and with sadness of heart, I went out to go search for another church to attend.
In the meantime, the Lord provided me with a very good job, less than two weeks after I had to resign from the church! But those were still some exceedingly hard times. The job was a very demanding one, at a machine shop. We mostly made very sophisticated parts for the semiconductor industry. And I had not a clue as to what I as doing. The machine parts were very complicated and most of them were very fragile, in that while I was processing them, a nick or a scratch in the wrong place, could easily render a thousand dollar part, as just a piece of fancy scrap metal. With eh tight quality control, and very the rigorous standards for the finishes I was putting on those machined parts, and the all of the numbers and measurements and the complex systems I had to learn, it was all quite stressful, and especially that first year I worked there.
Yes, I was being trained, but there was so much to learn! So it seemed like everything I did was wrong. Every day I felt I was one big walking disaster! And since I was already a walking disaster in my personal life, and since I was pretty emotionally fragile, these combinations of factors made for some very hard times.
I would often cry myself to sleep at night. Then, on my way to work the next morning, I would weep most of the way to work. Luckily, it was winter in those early time's of my sorrows, so it was dark. And by the time I made the 30 minute drive to work, I was about cried out. So the last 10 minutes of the drive I spent straitening myself up. Then if anyone mentioned how my eyes looked red and puffy, I just blamed it on my allergies which was an easy and a very believable “out”.
My boss, and the owner of the shop was a tough old German man, who was very stern, and demanding. And his son Kieth, was about the same as his Dad,but he was at least a bit more personable. Neither of them held any place for slack, or for nonsense or even for mistakes. They were so stern and austere, that they allowed no conversation's whatsoever in the machine shop, unless it was directly related to the work at hand.
So, there was a very regimented atmosphere in that shop, which over time, I actually began to appreciate and to like. But at first I was so insecure in my job, and so weak emotionally, that every time DL even walked into the QC room room where I was working, I would start dropping things and knocking stuff over, etc. It got so bad, there, with the other pressures in my life, and in my weak emotional state, that one day, after about 2 months of that, I walked into Kieth's office, and announced unequivocally, that I had “had it”, so I was quitting, and right then and there!
I will never forget the expression on Kieth's face, as he processed what I had just said! And with a sudden start he began getting up out of his office chair, and walking over towards where I was standing, just inside of there in the doorway!

(pt 8) “Mixed Up Christians, Anyone?” “Trials and Blessings”
I thought Kieth was really mad, and that he was going to get into my face, and give me “what for”! And that would have been no surprise at all, because neither the boss DL, or his son put up with any guff. But then, I was quite surprised, when instead of getting into my face and berating me, as he was heading for the door, took me gently by the arm, and then he said, urgently, but not loudly, “Hey! Wait just a minute here! Not so fast! Let's go outside and talk about this for a moment. Then, after we talk, if you still want to quit, that is your decision.”
But I was fully expecting Kieth to say, “OK! Good riddance!”, while waving a goodbye to me, and pointing me out of the front door. But instead, Kieth took me outside and we talked quite awhile, heart to heart, like the old expression says. And most of the talking was Kieth almost begging me not to quit, saying, “You don't want to do this now. Give it some time” And truly, I did not understand at all why this was happening. But I came to realize later on, that apparently, my self evaluation wasn't their impression of my work at all. Sometimes when we get down on ourselves, we think everything is our fault. And I was pretty much in the state of mind at that point, that I was taking all of the responsibility for the breakup of my home.
So, we talked. And then when I complained to Kieth about how hard I thought his Dad, DL was being on me, Kieth explained to me, DL was being hard on me because he liked me, and he saw good potential in me. And I must say, in my mind I was thinking it was an odd way to show someone you like them! ha! ha! But over my years there, I did indeed find this was true!
Then Kieth went on to say that if DL did not see the potential in me, and if he thought I was just an average washout, I would have already been “long gone”.So, Kieth talked me down to earth, and he was so kind in the process! And like the Psalmist said, “This is the Lord's doing, and it is marvelous in our eyes”! (Psalm 118:25) And then, Kieth gave me a dollar raise on the spot! ha! ha! Other than just having gotten a decent job in the first place, that was about the first really positive thing that had happened to me in almost 3 months.
I wish I could say that was the end of my “sorrows”.But it was not. However, the event did encourage me greatly. But I had many more deep waters to pass through, before I would even start to see the glow of that proverbial “Light at the end of the Tunnel”.

Because there was much turmoil in my life mostly in my mind for the next 2 years. And because the pressure there at work was so great, and the hours were so long, over the next 2 years I threatened to quit from there two more times. And every time I told Kieth I was quitting, I got towed by the elbow back out front, for another heart to heart “pep talk” from Kieth, followed by another raise! ha! ha! I sincerely believe this was the Lord's doing, and He was telling me that His hand was still on me. I mean really, did you ever hear of such a thing?
The last time I had ever told a boss I was going to quit, I was trying for a raise. But the bosses response was basically, “Don't let the door hit you on your backside, on your way out!” ha! ha! So I do believe God's hand had to be in this, to help to encourage me.
And later on, I did learn my finish work was being noted as the best in the Austin area. So the Lord truly blessed me. But at the time, I could not really see the forest for the trees. But indeed, the Lord was looking out for me!

(pt 9) “My Greatest Disappointment” - I could easily have written 20, or maybe even 30 chapters. But I have hard through the grape vine, some people are upset about me sharing my story. And to go past 12 parts, I would ave to get too detailed about some of the more personal aspects of the ordeal.
This is my testimony though. And it is how God worked in my life, and how He bought me through it all. But my experience is of no use to anyone, at all, if I can't tell freely share it. Some of you may be inclined to ask, If I have truly forgiven all, why share this? I suppose I would answer, because this is what happened to me. I suppose I could say this is my version of “Unshackled”. And since it has been over 23 years ago now since it happened, I think it is past time that I should be able to tell it. And I have done my best not to be simply factual and not ugly about it. And I believe I have succeeded in that effort.
But to get back to my sad state of mind, I was devastated day after day, when I had to go back home after work to a dark, silent, empty, cold house.. We had a little kitty, and she was so distraught, because everyone was gone, that she cried constantly! It made me so sad, that after a couple of weeks of that, I finally took her to the pound. And if any of you know how much of a cat lover I am, that is how emotionally low I had sank. But I just could not take the Mournful song she greeted me with, and that she constantly kept on “singing”, well into the night.
Now, back to the machine shop, working over in my finishing shop across the street, all by myself, I was in a lot of turmoil mentally. So for months, at first, while I worked, I argued with people who weren't even in the room with me. I often rehashed some of the arguments we had, and thought of what I should have said, and continuously rehashing and second guessing what I should have said or done differently, “when I had the chance”, etc. I lamented daily over there by myself, on just about everything concerning my sad situation. And folks, I probably need not tell you that was a very unhealthy situation, mentally physically, and especially spiritually.
But, for the first three months, I had heard nothing from my wife, who had moved to her parent's home in east Texas. They were, and still are wonderful Christian people. So, I still held out hope, because I had received no “papers” as of yet Then one day, as I pulled into the division where I still lived, in my formerly happy home, there was a Constable's car waiting for me there at the entrance. He waved me down and asked me if I was me, :) and then he served me the divorce papers. Upon receiving them, I was very deflated, and defeated. But I tried to hide that fact from the Constable, who was very kind in performing his legal duty.
Then, while reading the divorce papers, I found out the “why” of the 3 months of time of “no divorce papers having come”, right there in the very first paragraph of those papers. Until that point, I assumed because no papers had arrived, God must have been working. But such was not the case at all. Because as I read the papers, I was greatly disappointed to find out, that the state of Texas requires a 90 day's waiting period, before a filing for a divorce can be made, when someone changes counties. So, as the Constable drove away, while standing there in the entrance of our division, I counted backwards in my head, 90 days. And that day, it was almost exactly 90 days from the point when she had first left.
So here was perhaps the greatest disappointment of the whole ordeal! And I was very mad at God! Because my feeling's were that the God had allowed me to hope, when there was no hope. So I felt very betrayed by God Himself at this point. But I thought there might yet still some hope. But I was to soon find out that, there was no hope.. And this became a big issue between the Lord and I.
Because as Christian, I felt even more betrayed by God, than by anyone else. Because in my reasoning, where was, “Where was the power of God” and that “God of miracles” we read about in the Bible? And I asked God many times, “Why did this have to happen to me?” And “Why didn't God answer any of my prayers?” These were some of the questions that I asked God, over and over again. But I would grow feel even forsaken by God, shortly.
Because the lowest of the low times, were yet to come, very soon. It has been often said, that sometimes we must hit the very bottom, before we can start going back up.
And as bad as things had gotten, unbeknownst to me, I had a short ways to go yet, before I reached the very bottom.

(pt 10) “The Bottom Looms Larger” – So, the divorce creed required me to drive up to East Texas to sign the papers. In hindsight, I had no business at all, driving up there and back by myself. But nonetheless, I headed out early on a Thursday morning, by myself, to do what I had to do. I want to say here, that my parents were an oasis in all of this dreary desert! I do not think I would have made it through the ordeal, without their tender love and support. But I would never have dreamed of asking one or both or both of them to go up there with me, because. I was just too ashamed to even think about asking either of them to go with me.
I had no idea how badly signing those papers would devastate me emotionally, so I never thought of asking a friend to go with me. To me, I suppose it was my cross to bear, alone, so I loaded that burden up into my car with me, and I drove me and my cross up towards East Texas, and towards the dread of of finality I knew awaited me there. All the way up there I was in great turmoil. The radio was useless, because I could not concentrate on it at all. I had hoped to use this opportunity to try to one last time for her not to go through with it. But then to my great disappointment, I learned I would be the only one there with the lawyer, when I signed the “death warrant” of my home and for all of my dreams. So, I arrived at Athens, and I found the lawyers office, and I went inside. The secretary took my name and then she looked on his itinerary list, and then she asked me to take a seat. Mercifully, it was only a short time of maybe 10 minutes before she told me I could go into his office.
The lawyer guy was probably a bit older than I was, at the time, I was 47 years old then, and I guessed him to be in his early 50's. He was sort of slight of build, about 5 feet 9, and athletic looking, like he might have played baseball or something like that in his younger days. He was dressed sort of in an “Urban Cowboy”style, with cowboy boots, and wearing a long sleeved western “ritter”type shirt, that was a plaid, of light rust and reddish orange with a light tan background. But his pant's weren't jeans of kind. Instead his pants were of a double knit, light tan, boot cut, with a funny embossed look in the knit. And they were a bit too short for his light burnt orange boots. He had no hat on, I suppose because of being inside, so I could see his head was balding towards the front. And it looked to me like his hair was fairly dark maybe 20 years earlier. And while his hair was streaked lightly with gray, yet there was still a lot more dark hair than gray hair up there. He had a attempted a comb over, which was a bit disheveled, probably because he had worn a hat to the office that morning. But all the comb over had accomplished, was to make little “points” of hair on his pate, across the bald spot, sort of like little devil horn's curling up, here and there,. And I thought the “little devil horn's” part to be quite appropriate, because right then, that lawyer represented something very evil that was about to happen.
But in spite of that fact, on first impression, he was a nice looking, and a pleasant seeming man. But I was very angry! So after her Lawyer introduced himself to me, he handed me the papers I was to sign. The stack was almost an inch thick, but later on I would find that most of it was all of the legal terms of the divorce, “agreement”, and only the top few sheets of paper out of the almost inch thick stack, required a signature of any kid. So, when he handed me that stack of papers, I took them from him, and all in one motion, I promptly reached out about a half of an arms length, downwards, and towards the trash can by his desk there, and with a little impetus, I dropped them, or rather, I sort of, “shot them” down into the trashcan, a little forcefully, in order to make my point, you see. :)
I could tell the lawyer guy was very flummoxed at my actions, because I don't think he expected that from me. I suspect he had probably already been told that I was a real “cool head”, and a “smooth talker”, so I would no doubt try to be real nice to him, and con him, to show what a nice guy I was,and how wrong this all was. But if so, he got a surprise, because I was not exactly being any kind of a “Mr. Nice Guy” at that point.
So the lawyer guy got real red in the face, and he fidgeted around a bit. And then he sternly said, with perplexity,“This isn't going to work, Mr Doring!” And inwardly, I knew he was right. So I told him I was sorry, and then I picked the papers up out of the trash can, and I handed them back to him. The lawyer guy then reorganized the papers like they were supposed to go, and as he handed them back ot me, he told me he understood how I felt, and why I had done what I did. And I thought that was very kind of him.
So then, I apologized to him again, and I took the papers back from him and I sat down and Ito sign them. The lawyer guy kept some of them and then he gave me the rest back, in one of those over sized yellowish, clasp envelopes. And then I went to my car, feeling the weight of that cross I was bearing, crushing the little spirit I still had left in me, right out of me, and grinding me down into total despair.

(pt 11)  - "Hitting the Bottom Hard!" - So, continuing with my story, after having signed the divorce papers, I was driving back form East Texas towards San Marcos on I -35, in a daze, crying half the time.. Then I stopped off in Waco, because they used to have a great Christian music store there, and I was hoping to find some good Southern Gospel music to listen to, in order to try and help pick up my spirits a bit. I was wandering around Waco in a fog, and not having any success at all finding what I was looking for. It was then that I simply ran a red light, and plowed right into a City of Waco truck, totaling my little maroon 1988 Honda Accord. And I loved that car!
Then the police came, and I was so distraught that I could hardly even communicate with them. One of them said to someone that I might need some help. And I suppose when a 47 year old man is standing on a street corner and openly crying his eyes out, that might be a clue. :)
But I really didn't care at that point. A very kind social worker lady came over to me, and asked me if I needed to be taken somewhere to be counseled. I told her I probably did, but then she asked me if I knew anyone in Waco who might could help me. I told her I knew a local pastor, and that man was Bro. Jimmy Adams, the pastor of the Bellmead Calvary Baptist Church, right outside of Waco, going east.. But I only knew Bro. Jimmy through a friend who used to be on staff there at his church. So, I had met Bro Jimmy a time or two through my friend. So basically he knew my name, and my face, and who I was, but that was about it.
So they called Bro Jimmy, and bless his heart, he came right over and picked me up! The rest of what happened is mostly like a dream. I do remember Bro Jimmy taking me to a nice cafeteria where he got me something to eat. He was so kind to me! Then we went back to his church, where Bro. Jimmy sat me down in the foyer outside of his office. And then he apologized to me because he had a full venue of counseling to do that afternoon, so we probably would not have much time to talk together. He promised to try to work me in between counseling sessions though.
So, I sat there outside of his office for maybe 45 minutes, just wanting to die. Then, I heard voices. Then some people went by. Then I heard Bro Jimmy say, “Ron, I just got a call, and my one o'clock appointment has canceled. So I have until around 3 o'clock open now. So let's go into my office and talk for awhile.”
And this I believe with all of my heart was divine intervention!

So we went into his office and I sat down in front of his desk. He had this really cool hunk of a fair sized chunk of a cement rock on his desk. It was smooth on one side, and painted one that smooth side with dark bluish paint. And it was mounted on a nice finished board. Bro Jimmy explained to me that it was an actual piece of the Berlin wall that he had picked up, when he happened to be there, a year or so earlier, when they were demolishing the Berlin wall. And I still had enough life in me, that I do remember thinking this was a really cool thing!
But then we got back to reality, and Bro Jimmy got my story from me, in a nutshell. In the course of our conversation, I told Bro. Jimmy that I was so discouraged and in so much turmoil and pain, that I saw no reason to go on living. So I told him that I just wanted to go ahead and die and to get it over with.
And I will never forget Bro Jimmy's kind words of wisdom to me. He so kindly said to me, “Ron, you are taking a burden on yourself that doesn't belong to you. You need to give it to Jesus. And if you will go to Him in prayer, and honestly and sincerely ask Jesus to take that burden away from you, He will do it. But you have to mean it when you ask Him”.
It wasn't long after that, when my Dad arrived to pick me up. I had called him right after we got to the church to explain to him what happened. So while I was waiting out there in the office foyer, and then while Bro Jimmy was counseling me, Dad was driving up towards Waco, all the way from San Marcos to pick me up.
But I am here to tell you all, Bro Jimmy Adams' kindness, and his love and his care, for me, just a virtual stranger to him at that time, was probably responsible for saving my life! I don't remember much about the drive back to San Marcos, other than being in the car with my Dad, who I am sure did his best to comfort me. But I have not memory of a single word that was spoken on our return trip. I do know we converse though.
After I got back home , it wasn't long until I did exactly what Bro Jimmy had said I should do. I went into my bedroom and went to Jesus and I unloaded my burden upon Him. Sincerely and in faith I asked Jesus to take that huge cross I was carrying away from me.
And while there was no immediate difference that I could tell for awhile thereafter, yet somehow I knew God had heard my prayers. And I know in my heart that was the gradual turning point from my sharp downward spiral. The process was indeed very slow, yet I believe my healing started that very day!
I will be forever grateful to Bro. Jimmy Adams, who put Christ's love in action that fateful day, to help a virtual stranger, when he came to pick up a broken life, standing there, weeping, by a wrecked, totaled out car, at a lonely intersection, somewhere in Waco Texas.
Next, “Divorce – The Great Robber!” This chapter concluded the chronology of my story. I do yet have some chapter's of another story, and some closing comments, etc. So please bear with me a bit longer.

(pt 12)  “Divorce – The Great Robber!”- Recently I was looking through some of Mom's old photos. And in that box of precious memories, I found a set of photos that were from Mom and Dad's 40th wedding anniversary. One of the photos showed the typical photo collage mounted on a tri-fold display, of some of the life experiences Mom and Dad had shared together. And in the middle of the display,, emblazoned across the story board was, “Lewis and Billie - 1948 – 1898”.

And all throughout those photos, there I was, here and there, in living color. There was my elder sister Susan, in living color. Many of my parent's life long friends were there, frozen in time, and in living color, along with many of my my Uncle's and Aunt's, and also my, “Granny Doring”, my Dad's Mother. All were there, and smiling, and all were in “fine fettle”, as they used to say long ago.

But, I had no immediately recollection of this wonderful event at all! So I thought and I thought, and I searched the annals of my mind, to try to remember that event. And then I remembered, that this happened right after our divorce had been finalized, when I was so wounded and weary.

Then I recalled the trip up there, with Mom and Dad. I was very sad the whole, way, because I had to see all of our lifelong friends and our relatives, while wearing my badge of shame. I remembered that we got there early, so we could set everything up. Then after that was all done, I went out onto a side porch of that lovely old mansion my parents had reserved for that notable, happy occasion, to be alone..

Because for me, it was anything but a happy occasion. I was just plain miserable, so all I wanted was for it to be over with, so I could go home and be alone again Hence, I remember being out there on that side balcony porch, alone, before many of the party had arrived. And I was dreading going back in there, to try to put on a happy face, for Mom and Dad's sake. But I did anyway. (I think)

But what I really felt like doing was crawling into the trunk of my parents car, and rolling myself up into a little ball, and crying myself to sleep, until it was all over with. And I also know the breakup of my marriage robbed my parents of much of the joy that they otherwise would have experienced during their 40th wedding anniversary celebration.

But, then, this is what divorce does, folks!. It turns events that should be the gladdest one's in life, into sadness, or into things we dread to attend. After the divorce, I hated the thought of attending the weddings and graduations that always come around. Because we were now a broken home, and these things only highlighted that fact. There was the tension and awkwardness of the situation. Our Kids had to try to juggle between loyalties, and this is a burdensome millstone that should never be put on them, or around their necks.

Divorce robs children of their parents, together as they should be. It robs wives and husbands of their rightful places of honor and exhalation in one anther's hearts. And worst of all, it robs that place of honor from the hearts of the children!

Divorce takes away happy memories, because to revisit many of those memories is to step into a mine field of pain and shattered dreams. Divorce keeps many formerly fond memories from being retold in family gatherings, because those stories usually contain references to a parent, who for obvious reasons is not normally spoken of openly anymore, in the presence of the other parent.

Beloved in laws are lost to divorced people, because they suddenly become “off limits”, since most of those “in law's” can't afford to maintain the “by marriage only relationship” anymore. Former friends choose up sides, and some friends just walk away altogether, having no interest in being your friend's anymore, sometimes to either party, because the foundation and context of their original friendship is now shattered and gone. And some people just don't know how to deal with a former couple, as just a half of that equation. And it is often awkward, because it isn't supposed to be that way.

Yes, Divorce is the Great Robber! But I only covered a small sample of the robbery and of the heartache and hurt it fosters. But worst of all, the negative impact of divorce on the family, carries on for many generations to come.

(Pt 13)  “My Thoughts on Divorce” - Thankfully I have left behind most of the sorrow and pain my divorce and the breakup of my home caused me, back beginning in 1997. And I thank God for Kathy, my current wife, who is largely responsible for helping me through some of the most difficult times of my ordeal. Kathy lovingly chided me when I did things that were wrong, and spiteful etc, as an outworking of my former bitterness..Kathy has been so patient with me, and she is always going “above and beyond the call of duty”. And I sincerely thank her for her love and her patience with me, and her amazing devotion to me!.
I have put some thoughts together, of some things I have learned about divorce..First let me say, concerning divorce, that there are actually provisions in the Bible for someone who needs to legitimately get a divorce. The legitimate reasons for a divorce as outlined in the scriptures are; Adultery, and Fornication, and in the case of a Christian man or woman, if one of the spouses is a an non believer, and they want out of the marriage, the Apostle Paul said, “Let them depart” (1 Corinthians 7:10-15) But when a professing Christian wants out of a marriage, with another Christian, with no scriptural grounds for a divorce, that is a big problem.
Don't do it, people! Fight for your home, and for the sanctity of your marriage! And if your marriage ever falls on hard times, but you are given the chance to save your marriage, try with all of your might to save your home! If, and when you succeed in the hard work of salvaging your marriage, your children will rise up to bless you one day. But if you just quit, and walk away, you are not only hurting your children, but in the long run, you will likely greatly regret what you have done, but after it is too late to go back.
I had to split this chapter in two. So my next chapter are some of the things I learned through my experience.

(Pt 14) “My Thoughts on Divorce” (Continued)
1. “Old War Injuries” - Like an old “war injury” or an injury from a car accident, or a sports injury from your old high school or college days, the pain of what you went through will “flairs up” on occasion. Hence, it can cause you some further pain, at times. Especially if the marriage was a long one.
2.”Forgiveness” Forgiveness is a process. It sometimes takes years to reach the state of genuine forgiveness. But the more we exercise forgiveness, and the more time that passes, the further apart those old “pain flair ups” will become. And their duration's will be shorter, and the pain will grow milder, by degrees, as the years pass. Eventually, it will be like only tweak or a twitch or a slight discomfort now and then, that is soon all but forgotten as you go on about your daily life.
And this is the goal, which is freedom form that bondage and former pain.
3. “Where was God in all of This?” Forgiveness isn't just about burying the hatchet, between two, (or more) “warring factions”. It sounds strange, but forgiveness also also involves coming to terms with your being angry at God. Not that you “forgive God”, anymore than we “forgive” our dentist for pulling a bad tooth, or for give our doctor for removing our appendix. Apparently God allows things to happen, and, even bad things he does not condone. But we must trust him anyway, and turn every hurt and every pain and every burden over to Him. Like Bro Jimmy told me to do with my situation, you must give those burdens to Jesus. Because He can and He will carry them for you. But when we try to hold onto those burdens, they will crush us down, and eventually they mash the spirit right out of us.
4. “Christians Beware!” Because Christians aren't exempt from any kind of tragedy we can think of, whether it be, divorce or whatever. (1Peter 5:8) “Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour:” And sadly the Devil seems to be getting way too fat from feasting on our Christian families these days.
6. “It takes two to Tango!”.Yes indeed, it does! “But it only takes one to un-Tango”. In other words, if one person wants out of a marriage, the other spouse is powerless to prevent their home from being destroyed..
7. “Honor Your Marriage Vows!” Divorce is much more painful than the death of a spouse. The God ordained covenant is meant to be, “Until death do us part”. So, “Man up, or Woman up”, and do the right thing! Because even after forgiveness, there is no real closure in divorce. All there is in the case of divorce are broken vows and broken hearts, and the aftershock of Divorce takes generations to get past.
8. “Sin Causes Suffering” Like anything else that involves sin, in Divorce, suffering abounds. And the children are always the ones who by far suffer the most.
9. “The Word of God has the Answers” - But if people are unwilling to Go to the Word of God, or to abide by the Word of God, and they are bound and determined to do whatever they want to do anyway, no matter what the Bible says, then there is no hope for reconciliation, or the restoration of a faltering marriage.
10. “Patience” If your home is ends up being broken anyway, but you were honest in your heart, and you did try with all your heart to keep your home in tact, or to save it, but it all got taken out of your hands, and you lost your marriage anyway, God will eventually honor your commitment, even if your efforts failed to save your home. But we must be willing to trust God and believe that He does honor our efforts to do right, no matter what anyone else may decide to do, or no matter the results there of.
11 .”Yes, “Romans 8:28” is still in effect!” But sometimes it doesn't seem like it during the “storm”. And as we see in many of the Bible examples of the Old Testament, often it takes a lot of patience to see any of the fruits of any of God's promises.
Honor your marriage vows, people! It is harder to do than it seems at the first. But the rewards in the long haul will eventually be well worth it. So when you go to cash in your blessings those “Golden Years” will truly Golden Years”! But divorce turns what should have been gold into just tarnished brass. And then, no matter how much effort is applied, that ugly tarnish cannot be ever removed.

(Pt 14 – "Thank You, My Friends!"  (In Conclusion)
I have so many more things which I wish I could share with you all about my experiences, through it all. But it would be like reading a long novel! I could write several chapters about some of the crazy “Christian” women I met, and dated!. In retrospect, some of these experiences were actually comical! I could share of the time when I took a homeless young man in my home for 6 months, to live with my room mate Mark and I. That was a very interesting time indeed!
I could write about the great new friends I made, and how my social life became so much different than it was before. Sometimes I would ride around town with no place to go on a Friday or a Saturday night, when my usual “haven's” were out of town or otherwise occupied..What amazing times those were !
But now I do also want to thank some of you my friends, those who stuck with me through thick and thin, as well as the many new friends I found who, I would otherwise probably have never met or known. But they reached out to me, a new friend, in such a loving and compassionate way.
So, here is my, "ThankYou List".

I have already mentioned, my parents and Kathy. They are in sort of a different league though, being family, and all. So I could never say enough to thank them. And there are a few other family members to be thanked, that I do not have the liberty to name here.
But of those friends I can name, outside of my immediate family, first are the Goynes, as in Tom and Paula. I can't say enough about their friendship to me through this time. Those campfire signings and picnic table fellowships were so meaningful to me!I would also like to thank the Corley's, and the Ardillo's and the entire Three Rivers Church family. Rich and Leslie Solis were so kind and loving to me in those times! Those wonderful fellowship times over at the Salas home was like an oasis to me in the desert!
Also, I would like to thank Mike and Betty Spencer, who like the Goynes', and the Salas', their door was always open to me. John Clarke as well. His friendship never wavered. John was a good and a kind counselor to me, because he had already “been there and done that”! Thank you, so much Mark Mcfail! Mark was my room mate for about a year, during part of that awful first year, and into the second year of those hard times. Mark was like a “missionary to the hostile”! ha! ha! Because he “lived with the unlivable”, :) Mark “ministered to the mean”, (me :) ) usually silently. Mark never responded to one of my outbursts in anger. His respect for me, being his elder, and his patience with as well, are to be noted and honored. But still, all was not bad, and, we did have many great times together anyway!
The Staples Baptist Church family, and especially Ronnie and Karlin Clark are to be thanked! They were so kind to me during my time there. We had some great fellowship at the Clark's home! I will never forget when Eddie Clark, and Ronnie Clark “drafted me” into their “Roman Army” as I was wandering aimlessly about through the Bethlehem Project one night! You two Clark Brothers will never know what that experience meant to me, at that time!
And, Bubba and Willie Trumble, that trip you all took me on to the lake with your family, was such a blessing to me! It is a fond memory, at a time when I have so few good memories.

Last but not least, The entire Town East Church Family in San Antonio. Those great Spring Revival Meetings and the wonderful fellowship afterwards, was such a blessing to me! Pastor Larry West and Donna West, made me feel welcomed always, and they never treated me any different than before. I would also like to thank Mike West, who gave me a good job, which turned out to be more than I could handle. And Mike did warn me, :) but he gave me the chance anyway.
And of course, always there is my old and dear friend Frankie Cooper. He and I have been through some deep deep water's together. And it is a comfort for me to know, even yet, Frankie is always there for me.

God has been so very good to me though!

I have come to realize tragic bad things will and do happen even in the lives of Christian's. And some of those tragedies may never make any sense to us at all, at least not while we are here on this earth below. So we may never understand the “why's”, of that very worst and most tragic event in our lives, until we get to Heaven. In the meantime, “Romans 8:28” is still in effect. And the definition of “Faith” is still living for God, no matter what kind of a “bad hand” we may feel we have been dealt.
So when we do face that fiery trial, may we all like Job, have the Faith to say; “...the LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD” (Job 1:21) And, “Though He slay me yet will I trust in Him ...”. (Job 13:15)
Thank you all for reading these stories, about my darker days! And I hope someone was blessed in some way by them! - The End – Sort of :)